I Kill Spies

I’m positive the narrator of Caillou is either

1. adult-aged Rosie, now a comedian/novelist, romanticizing how great her brother was when they were kids, because Caillou has since died in a drug deal
2. the grandmother who does NOT appear in the show, who has a restraining order against her, imagining what her grandchildren are like, since she is not allowed to see them

Related: I’m pretty sure “Sam” of “Stella and Sam”, is the now-30-something narrator, and Stella is now dead of something irresponsible when she was a rebellious teen.

BRAIN: wow

one can’t simply proclaim to be a MGTOW. There are stages. In fact, numerous MGTOWs have proposed that members of the community can track their growth with something called “The four levels of MGTOW”

BRAIN: they level up!

Level 0 – Situational Awareness: the member has “taken the red pill” and embraces the idea that gender equality is a lie and propaganda.
Level 1 – Rejection of Long-Term Relationships: the man rejects long-term relationships but will still partake in short-term relationships and sexual encounters.
Level 2 – Rejection of Short-Term Relationships: the member won’t participate in hook-ups or any form of short-term or sexual relationships.

BRAIN: and then!!

Level 3 – Economic Disengagement: a member at this stage refuses to earn more money than is necessary for sustaining life. He views the government as tyrannical and is trying to actively drain money from the bureaucrats.
Level 4 – Societal Disengagement: this is as far as a mainstream MGTOW can go. Here the man refuses to interact with society.

BRAIN: Dave Sim take note! They are stealing your thing!

BROLDMAN: I like the contrasting horse pictures
BROLDMAN: I don’t usually understand things unless I can put them in terms of what kind of horse am I
BRAIN: hey me too!
BRAIN: the first horse looks pretty messy though
BRAIN: the second horse I am pretty sure is gay

BROLDMAN: it looks like I’m a horse that gets to wear fancy accessories and pull a sweet carriage, so I’m set
BRAIN: ah
BRAIN: you are a metro horse
BROLDMAN: yeah
BRAIN: gotcha

BROLDMAN: the White Knight’s horse also has a pretty cool outfit. I wouldn’t mind being that horse, either
BROLDMAN: I think maybe these Men Riding Their Own Horse are on to something
MARK: who needs women when you have horses?
BROLDMAN: ‘The “hyper-masculine” culture of pick-up artists just doesn’t mesh with men who have decided to no longer pursue women.’
BROLDMAN: I used to pick up women. now I just tame wild horses.
BROLDMAN: [pun involving the phrase “stable relationship”]

I asked a guy not long ago if he was more a Maoist or a Marxist and he said “I don’t believe in Communism. I’m a Socialist.” Then I blocked him on grindr.

BRAIN: ok I’m getting a HD USB adapter
BRAIN: should I get stand up or lay flat
SAM: Flat!!!!!
BRAIN: really? why
SAM: Flat is phat!!!

BRAIN: yeah but all the people doing on-set ingestion have the stand up ones
BRAIN: and IT always has the stand up ones
SAM: Yeah
SAM: I honestly don’t know what we’re talking about
SAM: I’m in over my head

BRAIN: your flippant answers have cost this company over seven million dollars this last quarter alone
BRAIN: what do we tell the parents of all those little dogs from the fiasco last month?
BRAIN: how is C-level supposed to know that jello boobs are not a thing
SAM: I swear
SAM: I thought those dogs had gills
SAM: I swear!!!!!

BRAIN: and don’t get me started about that bronze statue we sponsored outside City Hall
SAM: In Flanders, Hitler is usually depicted with Santa Claus.
SAM: How could I know that San Francisco was so unique???
BRAIN: wow

JK: have you encountered overly angry tpms yet
BRAIN: overly angry how?
JK: runs over freaking out
BRAIN: “be cool dude”
JK: over something that was already discussed
JK: so I was like, yeah I’m the cause of your frustration however, this was a miscomm and I already discussed it with your team
JK: the qe was like… yeah..
JK: i told him its all cool it was miscomm and he still freaked out
BRAIN: tell the TPM his parents were just killed in a firery car crash and you are so so sorry

JK: geez you are dark
BRAIN: no!
BRAIN: see then when he says “huh?!” you keep on it
BRAIN: until he’s a little convinced
BRAIN: then you say
BRAIN: “no, I’m just kidding. I’m sure they are safe. Don’t you feel great?!”
BRAIN: then beam your sunniest smile!!
BRAIN: “now what was that problem you had?”
JK: oh geez you are awful
BRAIN: it will be instructive for everyone
BRAIN: although if it’s particularly effective
BRAIN: the TPM may realize the futility of everything we are doing
BRAIN: quit
BRAIN: and join the Peace Corps or something
BRAIN: that could happen

BRAIN: ok how about this
BRAIN: the TPM comes over
JK: lol
BRAIN: TPM: rage rage rage!
JK: so much rage
BRAIN: you put your finger to your lips: “sssshhhhh.”
BRAIN: “this is not about these tests, is it? Be honest.”
BRAIN: “this is about something else. It’s okay. Let it go.”
JK: let it goooooooo
BRAIN: yes you could start singing!
BRAIN: that is a great direction

• We’ve established there are three competing valet-on-demand services
• the valet-on-demand services are distinguished by color
• the colors used are light blue, pink, yellow
• there are three major kinds of artificial sweeteners carried by diners (like Denny’s)
• the artificial sweeteners are distinguished by color
• the colors used are light blue, pink, yellow

• Luxe – light blue – aspartame
• Carbon – pink – saccharine
• Zirx – yellow – sucralose

Hey Mahatma!

I showed this to a younger coworker and he said “Man, this is why all you guys [in Generation X] are fucked up.”

The tune to this goes through my head sometimes… 30+ years later.

BRAIN: Fuscia jackets guys
BRAIN: who are they
SCOM: FIFA assasins
BRAIN: Dreamkiller claims they had the word “carbon” on them
DREAMKILLER: Pink jacket player joins San Francisco on-demand valet parking war
BRAIN: “Zirx!?”
SCOM: I hate Valets with a passion
DREAMKILLER: Carbon wear pink jackets and carry umbrellas
DREAMKILLER: Zirx wear yellow shirts
DREAMKILLER: Luxe wear blue jackets and ride scooters
DREAMKILLER: this is like a logic puzzle
BRAIN: “A third contestant will soon be entering the nascent on-demand parking valet wars”
BRAIN: NASCENT
DREAMKILLER: “nascent” in the world of startups means “we’re not sure anyone wants this yet”
TRILLIAN: wait 17 dollars a day? like a subscription thing?
DREAMKILLER: no, $17 for parking for the entire day in SF
DREAMKILLER: It is a pretty good deal
DREAMKILLER: We get a lot of VCs subsidizing our goods and services in the hopes that we will become dedicated users

MB: so good news—the SF jury waiting room has wifi
TRILLIAN: excellent
TRILLIAN: you are so jury material
MB: my plan is to get on the jury and then do some amateur detective work and crack the case
MB: thats how it works, right
TRILLIAN: def

DREAMCRUSHER: Mb, I was wondering where you were!
MB: civic duty calls
MB: time for an orientation video
BRAIN: a jury duty orientation video?!~
MB: it explains trial by jury
BRAIN: oh man
BRAIN: trial by combat!!
BRAIN: everyone gets a bat

MB: it starts “California, the greatest state in the union…”
MB: “We are a place of great natural beauty but we also have disputes and crime”
BRAIN: no!
MB: This is our democratic idea, to truly impart justice that is of the people, by the people, for the people
MB: this is actually pretty inspiring

BRAIN: did they get to the part where we are ordained by God to crush the other states?
MB: not yet
BRAIN: I’d also accept: “California: Making Secular Humanism Workâ„¢”

MB: you can’t investigate the case on your own
MB: booo

MB: “Its often a deep and moving experience to be on a jury”
BROLDMAN: Mb that’s perfect for you, as a deeply moving person
MB: FYI if you clap at the end of the video you’ll be the only one

MB: Follow up video!
MB: “Theres no Justice without U”
DREAMCRUSHER: When I went for jury duty they had us sit there for a while and then we went home.